Ginger tea

It’s late, but not as late as most nights I stay up.

After five weeks of not blogging, I have decided to blow my hermitcrabbityness and come out again. My goal is to post every day for the rest of the month. How hard could it be? I hear you mumble. Where the hell have I been? I’ve been to The Place of Tired, and that’s the only excuse I have.

So. I’ve been staying up far too late these days, in what I have discovered is a fear of time passing. If I stay up late, then that is still part of the existing day. It is still Tuesday, not Wednesday. If I stay up until 2:00 am (which I have been doing, but shall not do tonight), bleary and weak, then in my mind it is still Tuesday for those two hours, not Wednesday. If it is Wednesday then that means I’ve accomplished far too little on Tuesday, even if by doing so I’ve reduced the number of viable (read: well-rested) hours on Wednesday. It makes not one bit of sense, and as soon as I figured this out (in the last few days) I decided it had to stop. The only way to make it stop was to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. Or at least the next part, when TMoTH and I decide that staying home full-time (my dream job, it’s been, and amazing, but I can’t assume it can go on forever) can’t go on forever. A few more years, yes, but not forever.

I hear a blank look.

If I don’t make that decision, then I’m in limbo. Choices have always been a blessing and an avenue to madness. I become indecisive at the drop of a hat. So knowing that the decision has been made, and that once I feel I have to prepare for the next step I know what the next step will be, makes me feel far more relaxed. It’s like deciding the topic for your next major paper. Suddenly the job is manageable, and you can stop playing video games and eating because meals are an important part of the day a wonderful way to procrastinate, especially if you like to cook.

Now that the decision has been made, I can start drifting in that direction in wee fits. A book here, some ideas written down there, a class if it seems appropriate. And maybe I can get some more sleep. It’s not like a whole lot of knitting was getting done in the lonely hours of the morning.

p.s. I love categories. Looking for what categories to call this post, I am inspired by all the other categories. Now I want to explore mindfulness. Now I want to spin a bit. (No, seriously. It’s midnight, and I want to do both of those things Right Now.) See what posting every day will do for me?

p.p.s. I am going to bed.

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